Sunday, March 15, 2015

A Pouring Out

     Sometimes my life just seems so surreal.  And I know this is just because God's plans have far superseded my own.  And I marvel at the things I am privileged to experience and be a part of....the love that I am allowed to experience, in ways different than any other.

     The questions have been coming steadily.....such a hunger to understand God and to know Him better.  Just last night I expressed to Luke how I felt my answers to be so inadequate....and her questions surprisingly challenging, regardless of any language barrier.  So much thought put into genuine.  Who is my real father, daddy or God?  Why can't I see Him?  I talk to Him but I can't hear Him.  Tonight as she waited for me to put the boys to bed she sat in her room reading her bible.  She had found a few pages at the very end that explained about salvation.  They didn't have an English translation so she explained to me as best she could what they said.  About asking God into your heart....saying sorry for the things you've done wrong and loving Him....forever.  She told me she prayed and asked Him into her heart...she loves Him....but is He in my heart now?  How is He in my heart?  Oh how precious are these conversations.....tonight especially.....and how my heart sings to hear her desire to know God.  And this was one of those nights where everything overflowed... and so much came pouring out.

     The people who came each summer to share about God with them....oh how much I hope each person who takes the time to spend with these children in orphanages and wherever else all over the world, no matter how short that time may be, knows that this time is not wasted...not in vain.  A friend praying, and teaching her to pray.  A bible shared amongst the children from the missionaries, and her desire to read it.  Just always knowing and believing God was there.  Always talking to Him, even when her friends did not understand or believe.  I am in awe of how much she is, and seems to have always been, her own person....despite what the people around her say, do, or how much they try to influence her.  The amount of lies and discouragement surrounding even having us as a family that she was willing to dismiss and look beyond to believe and have hope.  I cannot imagine the courage it has taken.  And I know I have a lot more to learn from this child.  This child who prays before lunch at her new school.....and comments that some kids look at her funny, but that's just silliness.  One who sees a girl by herself at school, seemingly nervous and in need of help, but feels like she doesn't have the words to do she asks her friend to help and soon a few classmates are reaching out.  So much much love for others because each person has value regardless of how others see them.

     And then the memories take a the hurtful things that tried to break her spirit.  The injustices, the pain......and so many times the "I don't understand why....."  Me either....I just don't understand, and I am so so sorry sweet girl.  She doesn't need to hear much more than that, just squeezes me tight, thanks me for being a good mama, and spills out some more.  Sometimes tears, sometimes a hint of anger...mostly just frustration and not understanding.....and then more love poured out on me.  And we can grieve together about the years we've missed, but then always look forward to forever....and this is always a focus, a comfort, a needed forever, mama forever, love...forever.  And I thank God that even when we had no idea what we were doing....who we were there for....that He had a perfect plan.  And in these moments, when I am reminded of how truly incredible this plan is...and how truly incredible this child is, I feel so undeserving....and really unqualified.  But isn't that the whole point?  That God would use some ordinary, unqualified, doubting people to demonstrate His power and His plans...and then allow us to experience so many blessings.  Not a perfect life...not easy.....but blessing upon blessing....and love in a way I've never experienced it before.

1 Corinthians 26Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29so that no one may boast before him. 30It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. 31Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”


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