My best friend just gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl....so tiny, so perfect and precious. She's also incredibly smart.....she arrived a bit early, during the few days we had returned from our first trip.....perfect timing for an aunty who had to meet her when she was born and before we left again! Throughout her pregnancy, I realized how much I so quickly forgot from my own experience. She'd describe a feeling and I'd think...ohhh yeah, I forgot all about that! You know, like feeling like you can hardly breathe anymore, or when you're trying to sleep at night and they 're ready to let you feel how much they can move. BUT after, once you have that beautiful, precious child in your arms, you really almost instantly forget any of the discomfort, or pain it may have taken to get to that point. Lately, I've found that I keep having those moments...... it's just a little different.......
I was SO, so excited to finally leave... to know the child(ren) God has for our family, to really be moving forward. And then we got on the plane ..... and I remembered how much my body does not agree with long flights ..... and the second plane ..... and the guy across the aisle sympathized with how purely exhausted I must be ... was it that obvious?
Then, we are finally there ..... so happy to be, walking around, taking it all in. And I start to feel it .... and I realize I'd forgotten.... the feeling of being so torn...pulled in two opposite directions, across an ocean. Those two little boys that I spend all day, every day, with just tugging on my heart, and all the while feeling so happy to finally be here, so ready to meet our daughter! And knowing that when we do .... the pull will be even greater. Leaving will be as desirable and undesirable as one thing could be.
And I realize how I'd forgotten just how surreal this all feels. I'll never forget being asked..."do you like him?" "YES!" "Okay, sign here." And this time, waiting outside on a bench, for your name to be called .... to go into an office and look through pages in a book ..... to select a child to be your own. "Yes? Sign your names here."
The anticipation of that moment when you meet your child ...... the uncertainty .... how will they react? What will we say? She will not understand our words ..... how can we show her who we are ..... show her love.
Back on a plane....heading home to see two loves of my life as the tears fall for the one being left behind. And it feels like yesterday that I was here....on this same plane, looking out the window as everything faded away.
Home again as a family, but now it doesn't feel complete. Amazed again at how much love you can feel for a child you've only known for days....and how much their absence is felt.
Wishing there was a way to let them know you're thinking of them....to reassure them of your promise to return.
Praying day and night for their safety...that they're cared for...that nothing will hinder that promise.....
Counting down the days.....
And we half-jokingly say that's the reason we'd do it again....because you forget all of the hard when you're on the other side. But really....it's the beauty of these precious lives....that remind you of what it's all about and why there's no question that it's worth every discomfort, sacrifice and challenge. There is nothing like holding your newborn child, reaching out to hold your infant son for the first time, or having your daughter fall asleep with her arms wrapped around you on the second day.
And when I think of these moments ..... I think, Who Am I? ..... Seriously this person who really does not like to travel, and likes a neat, orderly, planned out life .... who used to be so shy .... so afraid to step out of her comfort zone. ... who worried everything to pieces. And I cannot help but smile ..... because that is the ultimate reminder I need .... That is maybe the greatest gift out of each step of the journey ...... reminders that on my own I 'm a mess, that I'm not writing this story ..... but God chooses to let me be a part of something greater ..... to step out in faith, knowing He is the one in control....to allow Him to push all of that mess aside and do something beautiful despite it ... and life is so much Fuller. And God is so good.