Sunday, March 2, 2014

Big strides, Reflecting & Blinders Off

        Each week when our amazing EI therapists come, they ask me if Levi has done anything new....new sounds, new words, more walking.....  Most weeks I try to keep in the back of my mind the few things we can add to his list of accomplishments (whether I remember when they ask is another story).  This past week I had to get an actual list going.  More signing, willingness to try new signs, new sounds, new words, more imitating......more confidence....letting go and cruising on his own.  At this point he's constantly walking all over the house by choice!  So exciting! 

        And it seems that whenever he makes big strides....whenever I'm feeling the most proud of this amazing, resilient little one, that I can't help but think of what could have been.  I guess it's just a natural instinct...to think about the what if's....and the what was.  Before I knew how the first surgery had affected him, and only knowing there was a date set for the second, I remember feeling so helpless that I wouldn't be able to be there by his side.  And at the same time, also thinking that maybe it was good that his surgeries would be done prior to coming home....so we could focus on attachment and healing.  I feel ignorant in a sense for thinking the latter.  Because when I imagined surgery, I imagined the hospitals here.....the care here.  My concerns were for our son going to have a procedure without his mommy and daddy.  There was so much to come that would remove the blinders from my eyes, but at that point I just had no clue.  I would later learn the sickening truth of the matter, and watched as God allowed a cold to delay the surgery....and again.....and then made a way for the surgery to be put off indefinitely.  And then, just recently, I found myself again feeling so clueless...as I saw the reality of hospitals, in this blog.  The "care" that Levi experienced was one blow....but seeing this was another.....I was speechless....physically sick to my stomach.  I couldn't help go there....imagining our son, for the first crucial three months of his life, in one of those cribs.  For his surgery.  For the parents faced with caring for children with medical needs, knowing this is what they are up against.  For the people of this country.  I'm not trying to be depressing or dramatic, just real.

       People asked before, ask now and will continue to ask in the future....why adopt internationally when there are children here that need a family.  The real simple answer for us was that this was where God called us; but as my eyes are opened....when I see these conditions, when I know the unnecessary harm my child and others endured (and continue to endure) because of corruption and injustice.....when I realize over and over how blessed we are, how much we have at our disposal, what we think is standard and commonplace....I can't help but think this is maybe one reason why God chose Russia for us....why He chose Levi.

       A couple of years ago this was all so new to me, something that seemed out of left field and too crazy and impossible to be a part of.  I then thought it would just be a chapter in our lives.  And now....it is all so rooted inside of me.  Sometimes I think maybe I've gone too far.....just because this is what God's put on my heart and has for our family, doesn't mean everyone else needs to keep hearing about it.  But the more I know, the more compelled I am to do something....have to do something.  I can't help myself from sharing posts about orphans in need of host families and articles on adoption.  I'm now constantly checking to see updates on the situation in U, praying without ceasing for these people.  I truly don't expect everyone to have the same passions as me, but I can't help but share them....because you just never know......

      There are two local families currently considering hosting children this summer.  I really can't express how excited I am.....for the children, for these families....for how lives will be changed by this experience.  I see myself in them.....the overwhelming number of questions you have, the uncertainty and excitement, and the constant tugging on your heart.  And I see the what if's in another light.....what if we hadn't take the leap?  Don't get me wrong, it's not about us at all, but Levi's life was not the only one that was changed.    



"If you say, "But we knew nothing about this," does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay everyone according to what they have done?"
Proverbs 24:12




     


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